Confession 100

I stayed the night at my friend Josh's house (I was 21 at the time). In the morning I helped his mom unload the groceries. Then I went to use the bathroom. After I did my business, I realized something horrible. I had just unloaded a whole case of toilet paper onto the kitchen table. And there was none in the bathroom. Josh's sister, Keri, had friends over in the front room watching a video. I looked frantically under the sink. There were some cotton balls, but that didn't work. I tore up the little brown cardboard tube from the center of the expended roll, but those things don't have much clinging action, and I found myself needing more wipage after the roll was used up. I was desperate now. I looked under the sink again, and pulled out something I'd never really seen before: a Maxipad. It was all glossy and plastic, so I ripped it open, figuring that would also double the surface area. I hadn't noticed that they were scented pads, so when I opened it, there was a big explosion of powdered perfumes that got all over my shirt. I realized that using the pad would only make a bigger mess, so I threw that into the garbage can. I was desperate. Finally, I noticed a few remaining items under the sink and hatched a plan. I grabbed a washcloth and used that for the dirty deed. Then I stopped up the bathtub, ran some hot water, added half a cup of bleach, and swished the cloth around in it for a little bit using the plunger. Then I just dropped the cloth into the laundry hamper, drained the tub, flushed, washed my hands very well, and left as though nothing had happened at all.

Confession 99

My brothers and I got the chance to meet my estranged grandfather when I was 17. I went to the amusement park that day instead. Grandpa died shortly thereafter. I felt bad about that for almost two whole minutes.

Confession 98

I went into Beto's (one of those really trashy yellow-menu-sign greasy-floored 24-hour Mexican restaurants) the other night. Barefoot.

Confession 97

There was a Catholic church in my hometown that was shaped like the Epcot Center. My friends and I, as a special Christmas surprise, climbed up it at night and attached a large Christmas tree to the top.

Confession 96

At a Chevy's in San Francisco, they informed us that they would be adding gratuity automatically because there were eight of us. The service was horrendous. I wouldn't have left a dime. In order to reconcile that problem, I left a "negative tip"--a cup of my own urine.

Confession 95

Some Molly Mormons in the ward had a "conversation jar" that contained inane questions intended to spark conversation. "If you had a million dollars, how would you spend it?" "If you could visit any foreign country, which would it be?" They used this jar all the time. Heather Angela Hawks and I inserted six or seven of our own x-rated questions about sexual positions, incestual preferences, past drug use, and the likes. Gravy and I were actually over there one time when they discovered a few. Hehe.

Confession 94

I frequently pee brown. Like beef broth or chocolate milk.

Confession 93

On an impulse, I threw a large refrigerator box out the window of a van on the freeway (I do so love littering) and hit the channel 7 news van. The box hit the van's windshield and stuck for just long enough for us to lose them.

Confession 92

I was in charge of a Young Single Adult activity once in which we went spelunking. There were about fifteen men and women there. We had to wade through muddy water up to our necks to get into the cave. Afterward, the drivers made us remove our muddy clothing and don Hefty bags with head- and arm-holes poked through to be allowed in their cars. We all went inside In-N-Out Burger on the way home, wearing nothing but trash bags and a lot of very orange mud. They apparently did not have a "No shirt, no shoes, no service" policy. We left muddy barefoot prints all over the floor in there. And of course we saw tons of people we knew.

Confession 91

I cried during "A League of their Own."

Confession 90

I once took a girl to Alcoholics Anonymous for our first date. Yeah, we ended up dating for six months.

Confession 89

Yesterday we sneaked a weird creepy Tinky-Winky piñata into the restaurant where I work and hung in among the others.

Confession 88

I once went to the funeral of someone I didn't know just to get out of a Spanish test.

And sorry, people. I will be more fastidious from now on. And yes, they're real, and no, I've only just begun.

Confession 87

When my institute director left me in charge of an activity, I hit my head hard on a window for comic effect. I must have miscalculated, though, because I sent my head right through the glass. Comedy was effected.

Confession 86

On that same trip, I put all the heaviest equipment from my backpack into his backpack every morning before hiking. Then I would sneak it back into mine when we arrived at the new camp. Man, am I ever a clever one!

p.s. I should have internet access again by Tuesday or Wednesday.

Confession 85

I once filled my brother's sleeping bag with horse manure. He had it coming.

p.s. We don't have internet access for now. Sorry these will be so infrequent for the next little bit.

Confession 84

12th Grade:

Mrs. Chemistry-Teacher: Did anyone do anything interesting over Christmas break?

Confessor [raises hand]

Mrs. Chemistry-Teacher: Confessor?

Confessor: I stayed up for four days straight.

Mrs. Chemistry-Teacher: Well, that's just stupid.

Confessor: In fact, I'm still up.

Mrs. Chemistry-Teacher [withering look]: Anyone else?

Confession 83

I stole a mug from Winger's. The waitress kinda gave me permission.

Confession 82

Last summer I camped out by myself in a tent behind some apartments on the other side of town. I took a bus to get there. Cops woke me in the morning. They asked to see the contents of my backpack. All I had in there was board games. I don't understand why they were so mad. They kept calling me a peeping tom.

Confession 81

I went to my senior prom with two girls. They never found out about each other.

Confession 80

Confession 79 happened on my mission.

Confession 79

I made a bunch of bumper stickers with messages like "My wife is fat," "Honk if you're gay," "Cops suck!" and "My other car is a broomstick." I stuck them on random cars around town during the night.

Confession 78

I say excuse me if I burp, even when I'm alone.

Confession 77

I hacked into Wiggle's blog yesterday and wrote a really mean message about all of her friends, ostensibly from her.

Confession 76

I used to put subliminal messages in my math assignments that said things like "I deserve an A" and "Miss Swenerton looks like Weird Al," even at the sake of getting a problem wrong so I could fit the right letter in the right place.

Confession 75

When I was in high school, I had about sixty-five friends over to the house when my mom was out of town. When she got home, she found cigarette butts and a bra in her bedroom. I let my brother Ouiga take the punishment for it.

Confession 74

I ate part of an English muffin that I found on the ground in a flowerbed on Sunday morning. It was disgusting.

Confession 73

I slept through general conference and woke up just in time for President Hinckley's final talk. The problem is that I was actually in attendance, sleeping there in the conference center.

Confession 72

I like to pretend I am mentally handicapped at the mall and get very close to strangers just to see how they deal with it.

Confession 71

My friends are going to try to sneak me into priesthood session of general conference with the BYU men's chorus. I went to choir practice last night so I can effectively fake it.

Confession 70

When I was younger, my brother had a piñata at his birthday party at the cabin. When he annoyed my friends and me the next day, we gave him the ulitimate wedgie and hoisted him by it into the big oak tree with the rope that was still hanging there. The next day he began to vomit. He had to be rushed to the hospital, and there was told he had a double hernia. He lost half of his right testicle. They said that an hour longer and he would have died.

Confession 69

I went to California and didn't look up my best friend while I was there. My reasoning: I assumed he was dead, and was too afraid to confirm it. This is the one I feel the worst about out of all of them. This guy has always been the perfect friend to me, and I'm forever doing something terrible like this.

Confession 68

Recently, when I couldn't find a pen or sheet of paper, I quickly jotted down a phone number in toothpaste on my brother's shirt and hung it up in a closet. He was so angry, I got kicked out of his house.

Confession 67

I almost invariably throw away my tray at fast-food restaurants.

Confession 66

There was a nerd in my high school named Jeff Hoey. We toilet papered his house, and then I peed on his front door. His grandmother opened the door right as I was going, and I came this close to peeing on her, but I just ran away instead. Man, these are getting worse.

Confession 65

Gravy and I rearrange nativity scenes at others' houses. We call them "nativity obscenes."

Confession 64

Another time I was mad at my brother, I filled his sleeping bag with stinging nettle.

Confession 63

Per Toasteroven's request:

So the girl with the aneurism. I was at her house one time and started to feel a bit hypogycemic. Her sister said, "Here, have some of Maren's cookies." She handed me a bag of pink-n-whites (Mother's circus animal cookies). I started eating them, and before I knew it, the bag was empty. I set it down on the counter without saying anything. A moment later, /maren came buzzing in on her electric wheelchair. "Emily, I need my cookies, Emily."

Emily told me to hand her her cookies. I silently passed her the empty bag. She held it up to the light and looked inside. The last remaining sprinkles dropped out onto her flesh-colored eyepatch.

"You ate ALL of her cookies?"

What would you say in that situation?

Confession 62

Tonight my secretary cooked dinner for me and some friends from work and back home. As the meal was winding down, I asked if I could light some candles in the kitchen. They said sure. So the candles I lit were shaped like eggs and were sitting in this little basket with easter grass. The basket came from BYU floral or whatever. So I lit all the little eggs in the basket on the table. Soon the eggs were burned down and the paper grass, then the ribbon, and then the entire basket caught fire. At this point a deluge of molten wax spewed from the bottom of the basket and started hardening on the table. The whole basket was in flames, and there I was like Mr. Bean, frantically but silently running around the kitchen trying to find a way to put it out before the hosts looked up from entertaining the other guests in the living room. Eventually, I just ran through the living room, opened the window, ran back, stuck the flaming basket with a fork, and hucked it through the open window. Everyone just stared at me awkwardly.

Confession 61

Once while shaving, I knocked the sink off the wall and flooded the bathroom in my home.

Confession 60

I do a dead-on impression of the girl with an annurism from back home. I used to call people and pretend to be her and ask for cookies.

Confession 59

Once at my friend Josh Adams' house, I had to use a washcloth. They were out of toilet paper.

Confession 58

A high school friend and I used to go every Valentine's Day to the cemetary, gather up all the fresh flowers, and sell them at school.

Confession 57

Last Christmastime, Gravy and I liked to put the neighborhood's lawn reindeer in dirty positions.

Confession 56

I jumped off a cliff and fractured my spine when I was 17.

Confession 55

I was out until 5:30 with friends last night. And it was a school night.

Confession 54

I once used pages from the Bible as toilet paper.

Confession 53

I am afraid of midgets.

Confession 52

My ex-girlfriend and I invented a TV show. We tape ourselves breaking into people's houses and then redecorating for them. Some people need that. We call it "Invading Spaces." We did it to one guy's house while his parents were away. They grounded him. And this kid was in college.

Confession 51

I once peed in my other brother's cologne bottle when I was mad at him.

Confession 50

I fed catfood to my blindfolded little brother this weekend. You'd think he'd learn; this wasn't the first time.

Confession 49

Tonight I dragged my friends through the Castro and offended their sensibilities.

Confession 48

My irreverence once made the elderly ward organist swear she'd never come back to church until my friends and I were gone.

Confession 47

Once after September 11th, some people in the next town over put "USA" in giant letters on the side of a hill. My friend and I sneaked up in the middle of the night and changed it with spraypaint and wood so it said "Afghanistan."

Confession 46

I have inherited my father's tendency to run from problems rather than face them.

Confession 45

I lied about my name, address, and phone number when the cop caught us and made us promise to clean up the toilet paper from the whole ward. Then I went home and went to bed.

Confession 44

I once toilet papered every house and apartment in my whole ward in one night.

Confession 43

There's a church back home that I vandalize every time I go. It's just so much fun to rearrange the letters on the sign. I mean, when it says "measure yourself by what's inside," don't you automatically want to pull letters from the back and add "your pants?"

Confession 42

I have the rare skin disease called dermographia.

Confession 41

I once almost died doing a chinese firedrill on the freeway.

Confession 40

I've been kicked out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much.

Confession 39

I know a LOT of dead baby jokes. And I think they're hilarious.

Confession 38

In boy scouts, I once caught a seagull with a piece of bread on a fishhook. You should have seen him flying around and around in a circle at the end of the line as we gradually gave him more slack.

Confession 37

I got an 8.3 on HotOrNot.

Confession 36

I once sabotaged a video game machine by putting trash into it. In the end it broke completely. I really did have good intentions, though.

Confession 35

I think I buy more clothes more often than I do laundry.

Confession 34

I once toilet-papered a Chuck E. Cheese's. The police caught us on the security camera and made us go back and clean it all up.

Confession 33 1/3

I had a third set of teeth.

Confessions 31 and 32

Well, I missed yesterday, so two in one today:

I once worked at Hot Dog on a Stick.

And I got fired.

Confession 30

I pooped my pants about a year ago on my way home from work.

Confession 29?

You asked for it, you got it. I aim to please. Just be aware that this totally gets my goat to be reminded of the glory days.

I have a full floral tea set with the most adorable little gravy boat and candy dish and everything.

The Last Confession

I had so many more planned, too.

I got deleted from the Board today. It was my fault.

Confession 27

I was quarantined for three months during the tenth grade.

Confession 26

I got most of my clothes out of that dumpster at Raintree Apartments that's for donations to D.I.

Confession 25

I got kicked out of Walmart last night by a manager so I wouldn't "make a mess."

Confession 24

There's inbreeding on my dad's side of the family.

Confession 23

I have urinated out of the back of a moving vehicle, unbeknownst to the driver.

Confession 22

Okay, I guess a better confession is that this is the first time in several years that I've intentionally missed FHE. Man, I didn't realize how lame I am.

Confession 21

I skipped FHE tonight because I don't like it this semester.

Confession 20

I once accidentally left a cup of my urine on the bookshelf at a friend's house for over a month.

Confession 19

I've gotten the bread for the sacrament from the dumpster behind the Provo Bakery. Several times.

Confession 18

I don't think babies are particularly cute.

Confession 17

In September, my friend Wicket and I climbed on top of Little Caesar's on 9th and unscrewed their cable connection as a practical joke on them.

Confession 16

I posted those comments as the Drama Queen on my own blog just to throw people off.

Confession 15

Doctors suspect I have porphyria, the vampire disease.

Confession 14

My friend Leslie and I ate a salad that I found in a bus stop in downtown San Fransisco at midnight. It was really good, actually. We just hope it didn't have AIDS in it.

Confession 13

Last summer I toilet papered an old handicapped woman's house, including her wheelchair ramp and her handicapped parking sign. We used 150 rolls!

Confession 12

I don't like to read my scriptures.

Confession 11

I really am the Drama Queen, as well as the Confessor.

Confession 10

Right after my parents' divorce, we had to give up our dog. Ironically, the only person who would take him was the lady who had just taken our dad: his mistress, Darla. My brothers and I helped my mom perform a psuedosatanic ritual in which we cursed the dog that he would bite her children, poop on the furniture, and rip up the carpet. He came through for us, and they poisoned the dog soon thereafter. We miss you, Moofus!

Confession 9

My mother's mother's father's father founded the Denver branch of the KKK. And I'm descended from Nazis, as well.

Confession 8

I have shaved my chest. More than once.

Confession 7

I used to put peanut butter on a nine-vold battery and let my dog lick it off. You could tell when he got to the nodes because he'd go nuts. He was never the same after that, but man, did we ever laugh.

Confession 6

I own cds of the Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees. And I like them.

Confession 5

I once made a "Tickle me Hitler" doll. He still said "Elmo," but you could tell what it was.

Confession 4

I clip my fingernails compulsively, sometimes to the point where they start to bleed.

Confession 3

I never eat the last bite or drink the last swig of anything. I throw it away.

Confession 2

The sight of me naked once made a grown woman cry.

Confession 1

I'm totally afraid of spiders. Sometimes I have to get a girl to kill them for me, 'cause i'm just not going there.