Confession 136

One time, Heather Angela Hawks and I decided to make giant post cards for our missionary friends. We made them out of posterboard paper, and did up the backs to look like a giant version of what you'd normally see on a postcard. We had lots of friends write messages in the massage space, and stuck tons of stamps in the stamp square. Then it came time for the fronts. One elder got Dr. Seuss creatures. Another got VW vans cut out of a magazine. The final elder got, well... for some reason Heather had lots and lots of pictures of the third Elder (pre-mission) trying on all of her clothes one day. So we blew them up way big and mailed them to his address. What we didn't realize was that the address we had was his mission office, not where he lived. His mission president did NOT enjoy receiving giant pictures of one of his elders dressed in drag, replete with Heather's sexual innuendoes on the back. Elder H. was called into the mission office for a very serious talk, and was made a junior companion again. He hasn't even talked to us since he got back.

Confession 135

The Jerry Springer Show called my dad to see if they could get him as a guest. Really.

Confession 134

In honor of my buddy Ben, I will try to get this going again. Here's my most recent:

I went to Seattle this weekend, and my friend Alecia asked me to get her some of the special spicy vinegar that you can only get at Ivar's. So I went to three different Ivar'ses looking for it, and finally I found it at the outdoor fish bar. I asked first the cashier, and then the manager, if I could buy some, but they both said no, sorry. So I said, "Yoink!" and ran away. With the bottle of spicy vinegar that was out on the counter for the customers to use. It was a bit of a pain carrying it around for the rest of the day and then transporting the open bottle back to Utah, but yes I did get it. And actually right after I stole it, I ran into the Mormon missionaries, and they were all, "What's that?" We told them it was sinegar and they didn't want any. Anyway, Alecia was grateful. I figured it's not stealing if you do it for someone else. I'm Robbin Hood.

Confession 133

Pinetree and I got in trouble at Wal*Mart on Sunday morning at 3:00 a.m. for trying on "all the makeup." He's a classic ivory and I'm natural honey.

Confession 132

I once threw up in a black man's giant afro.

Confession 131

I laughed so hard I vomited on my friend Emily at Applebee's. All over her and in her purse. We're talking a LOT of pink acidy barf. It was so sick. And she couldn't even stop laughing. Man, it was gross.