Confession 148 and an advertisement

As part of our traditional "White Trash Days," My friend Roxanne and I paid for one matinee and stayed for six movies. We are awesome. Also, the movies were all trash.

Also, please take a second to vote for my buddy's funny art so he can get a scholarship! He's close!

State "O" the Union Brickfish

Confession 147

Once there was a snowman.... Gravy and I discovered it in front of an apartment complex near our home one night at about 1:00. We couldn't resist pulling the old "move the snowman's face to his nether regions" gag. Just as we had completed and begun admiring it, several girls came out onto the terrace on the third floor.

"Hey! What are you doing!?" they shouted.

Gravy reports that he turned to see what witty thing I would say, but when he swung around, I was just a set of tracks in the freshly fallen snow. Tracks that led to my neighbors house, 'cause I sneaked through there and crossed back to our house through the back yard.

Confession 146

My bad. I somehow accidentally invited a horrible freak to a party. He showed up an hour and a half early, because he "needed friends," then dominated all conversation and made everyone feel uncomfortable. I went to the kitchen to get drinks for people, but when I handed them out, I also slipped them a piece of paper with instructions to leave the party and then come back ten minutes later. When everyone started filing out moments later, ostensibly to go to bed at 10:00 p.m., our new friend lingered for a bit and then said he should be going. After he left, the cool people came back in, and we continued the party as planned.

Confession 145

I went streaking through the Kampground Of America Last Week.

Confession 144

When I was in high school, and beyond, I drew a comic strip entitled "The Adventures of Super Twinkie and the Masked Ding Dong." All the characters were some sort of food. Like when they had a Star Wars adventure, it was Fruit Piewalker, Bun Solo, Princess Mayo, Chewbroccoli, Darth Tater, etc.

Sample dialogue:

Bun Solo: I'm here to rescue you!
Pricess Mayo: Ack! Get out!
Bun Solo: Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't realize you were DRESSING! hehehe!
Princess Mayo: See, this is why they say the bun is the lowest form of humor.

So one day, I was in church.

The speaker was talking about WWII, and the Nazis. So in my head, I started picturing the Nazis as Knotzis, little pretzel men with helmets. Then they talked about the Jews, and I pictured little juice cartons with yarmulkes. This was going to make an excellent comic strip, I thought.

Here's why this is a confession: I was never able to explain to anyone why I laughed so long and loudly that I had to excuse myself from church when, shortly after the above events, the speaker made first mention of "concentration" camps.

Yeah, I know. I'm deranged.

Confession 143

Exactly a hundred posts ago, I shared the fact that there is a church whose sign I have vandalized on more than one occasion, and gave an example. I figured this would be a good time to share another clever little bit of malfeasance we performed on them.

The sign had a clever, if not smarmy slogan when I went by one day:

"FEELING FAR FROM GOD? WHO MOVED?"

It seriously took a lot of effort, because the sign was under a glass case, but eventually we managed to take letters from the back and place them on the front, so that it now read:

"FEELING FAR FROM GOD? WHO MOVED ALLAH?"

My guess is that the Baptist church upon which we inflicted this mischief didn't like it very much; the third time we came by they had put a padlock on the sign.

Confession 142

We were playing dodge ball in the church, and the other team employed a strategy in which they stopped throwing the balls back for a little bit so they could store them up and hit us with a whole barrage all at once. When they finally had them all on their side, we all ran toward the back wall to cower.

One girl from the opposing team, a little confused about her team's tactics and our sudden switch to defensive maneuvering, yelled out sassily,

"Hey Why are you guys all hiding against the back wall?"

To help her understand, I simply called back,

"Because we don't have any BALLS!"

The most embarrassing part about that was that most people didn't even realize the intended, innocent way that that could be taken.

Confession 141

I have run over my roommate Evan at least 6 times in my car, going at least 20 miles per hour. We're talking he flipped over the roof of the car and landed on the asphalt behind me.

Confession 140

I was 7, and Mom figured it was probably okay to start leaving me at home for brief periods while she ran errands. I wasn't to answer the door, and if someone called on the phone, I was to say that she was in the shower, so no one would realize I was there by myself.

One of the first times Mom was gone, the phone rang almost immediately after she left. We would later find out that it was Mom's Relief Society president.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is your mom there?"

"She's in the shower."

"Oh, that's all right. I'll call back later."

About half an hour later, the lady indeed called back.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is your mom there?"

"She's in the shower."

"Oh, still? Well, is your dad there?"

"He's in the shower too."

After that Mom made us say "She can't come to the phone right now."

Confession 139

She was in my singles ward at church, and she was a bigger girl, and she was bothering me. And we were at a ward potluck. So I told her that the brownies were fat free. She finished them off.

Confession 138

The first time I was stopped by the police while toilet papering a house (ok, actually it was 40+ houses, which is hardly my record for one night) they told us we had to clean it all up. They asked each of us for his or her name and address, and I provided the name and address of a kid in my ward. They told us if we didn't have it cleaned up by morning, they would come write us tickets. At this point we had toilet papered every house in the ward but one. We promised we would. So as soon as the cops left, we toilet papered the other house and went to bed. I never could think of a way to ask Roy if he'd been contacted by the police without incriminating myself.

Confession 137

You thought I was done with these, didn't you? Well, the thing is, I'd forgotten my password. But I remembered it again after trying about twelve wrong ones just now, and switched the whole blog over to this account. So I hope you're as excited for this to start up again as I am. The confession:

BYU had an Easter Egg Hunt in which they had prizes hidden in Easter eggs all over campus. The prizes ranged in value from weak-sauce little candies to shiny new iPods. Students were out there looking for prizes, and I was out there, among them. But was I trying to find an iPod? No, I was not.

I was there with my friends, and dozens of plastic eggs, hiding illicit eggs with counterfeit prizes inside. Some were full of flour, others had authentic-looking tickets that said "iPod" on them, with instructions for the finders to present then at the BYU Bookstore.

As I was riding someone's unlocked-up bicycle around campus about an hour after having lodged an iPod egg up the rear of the Indian Statue's loincloth, a timorous boy stopped me to tell me about his good fortune.

"Keep your eyes open," he asserted awkwardly.

I screeched to a brake. "What?"

"Keep your eyes open. I was walking back from the library just now, and I passed the Indian, and I was thinking about the Easter Egg hunt, and so I reached up the back of his skirt, and I--"

"Wow, that's kinda perverted!"

"No! I was just trying to find an egg, and there was one in there, and I opened it up, and it had a ticket inside for a free iPod!"

"Seriously? Lemme see."

He proffered his lucky egg, and I took it in hand to inspect it. Sure enough, there was the iPod offer, in my own handwriting. "Yoink!" I yelled, as I pedaled away quickly with it still in my hand. "Bwahahaha!"

I did bring it back, though, and told him I'd just been kidding. He laughed politely, then scampered off to go "wake up [his] roommates." Poor little sap.

You can read it about the Easter Egg Hunt in this article from the Daily Universe. Pay special attention to paragraph eight.

Confession 136

One time, Heather Angela Hawks and I decided to make giant post cards for our missionary friends. We made them out of posterboard paper, and did up the backs to look like a giant version of what you'd normally see on a postcard. We had lots of friends write messages in the massage space, and stuck tons of stamps in the stamp square. Then it came time for the fronts. One elder got Dr. Seuss creatures. Another got VW vans cut out of a magazine. The final elder got, well... for some reason Heather had lots and lots of pictures of the third Elder (pre-mission) trying on all of her clothes one day. So we blew them up way big and mailed them to his address. What we didn't realize was that the address we had was his mission office, not where he lived. His mission president did NOT enjoy receiving giant pictures of one of his elders dressed in drag, replete with Heather's sexual innuendoes on the back. Elder H. was called into the mission office for a very serious talk, and was made a junior companion again. He hasn't even talked to us since he got back.

Confession 135

The Jerry Springer Show called my dad to see if they could get him as a guest. Really.

Confession 134

In honor of my buddy Ben, I will try to get this going again. Here's my most recent:

I went to Seattle this weekend, and my friend Alecia asked me to get her some of the special spicy vinegar that you can only get at Ivar's. So I went to three different Ivar'ses looking for it, and finally I found it at the outdoor fish bar. I asked first the cashier, and then the manager, if I could buy some, but they both said no, sorry. So I said, "Yoink!" and ran away. With the bottle of spicy vinegar that was out on the counter for the customers to use. It was a bit of a pain carrying it around for the rest of the day and then transporting the open bottle back to Utah, but yes I did get it. And actually right after I stole it, I ran into the Mormon missionaries, and they were all, "What's that?" We told them it was sinegar and they didn't want any. Anyway, Alecia was grateful. I figured it's not stealing if you do it for someone else. I'm Robbin Hood.

Confession 133

Pinetree and I got in trouble at Wal*Mart on Sunday morning at 3:00 a.m. for trying on "all the makeup." He's a classic ivory and I'm natural honey.

Confession 132

I once threw up in a black man's giant afro.

Confession 131

I laughed so hard I vomited on my friend Emily at Applebee's. All over her and in her purse. We're talking a LOT of pink acidy barf. It was so sick. And she couldn't even stop laughing. Man, it was gross.

Confession 130

Once, in high school, I went into the bathroom, and it was immaculately clean. It was the first time this had ever happened in all of my time there up to this point. So I peed all over everything.

Confession 129

In sixth grade I moved to a new school, nine weeks before the end of the school year. At the new school was a kid who looked exactly like me, only shorter. It freaked me out. He had the same glasses and skin and haircut and everything. He was only a fifth grader. It was unsettling to see him. He had his friends approach me one day. "Hey, Bryce wants to fight you," they challenged.

I didn't want to fight Bryce. I thought it was ridiculous. Especially when the kid was me, but smaller. Everywhere I went, people were calling me "Bryce." I hated it.

One day after school I went to where my mom was going to meet me to walk home, and she was following bryce away from the spot, calling out my name, over and over.

"Mom?"

She turned around. "Oh!" she gasped, "You're so tall!"

Bryce and I went to different middle schools, but in high school he was back in my life, and still looking exactly like me. I saw my friend Emily one day, and I said, "Hi, Emily!"

She glanced at me and said, "Hi, Bryce!" Then she noticed what I'd said, and we looked at each other. It wasn't Emily. It was Someone Else. We both just sort of glared at each other and walked away. You know how Doc Brown explains in Back to the Future about what happens if you meet yourself from a different time, and the Universe ends? That's the feeling I always had around Bryce.

Anyway, I'm getting to the confession, but I had to set the stage.

The first time I ever cut class was when I was in the tenth grade, very near the end of the year. I went with my friend Matthias, and we didn't even go anywhere. We just walked to the chapel where seminary was, and then back to school after a nap in there. Well, as we were passing the corner where all the smokers hung out, the relief society president was coming out of the house where she'd been visiting teaching across the street. So she called my mom and told her that I'd been on the smoker corner during class. I'm so sure! The first time I ever cut class and I got spotted by the RSP.

Mom confronted me when she got home that evening. She told me what the lady had said.

I acted confused. "Hmm. Must have been that kid Bryce that looks exactly like me. He hangs out around there."

I don't know whether she bought it, I sure didn't get into trouble. From then on, whenever I was cutting class or got caught doing anything I shouldn't have, my name was Bryce. I have no idea how many detentions he ended up serving for me, but I was sure glad that horrible little person existed, and that he never realized what I was doing to him.

Confession 128

Carrie was a girl in my sixth grade class. Once, she and her friends (both named Sarah) were practicing fake slaps. You know, where you clap right on the other side of the face? Anyway, I said, "I wanna try," and slapped Carrie a little harder than very lightly right across the face just because it seemed funny to me. She told Mr. Sheldon, and I had to lie to him and say it was an accident. Stupid girlses, always trying to get me in trouble.

Confession 127

When i was in elementary school, I thought it would be funny to prop up a fork between the cushions of the couch so that someone would sit on it and go flying up off the couch like Goofy, bellowing "WOO-HOO-HOO-HOOO." Well, after about a few minutes I forgot, and when TGIF came on, I went running into the living room, bounded over the arm of the couch, and landed squarely on the fork. I did not go flying off, as I had envisioned, but rather fell to the floor groaning, with the fork sticking out of the flesh of my left buttock. That really hurt.

Confession 126

You don't want to read this one, especially the ladies. Really. I warned you, so don't blame me.

In the MTC, I had three times as many nocturnal emissions as any of the other elders in my room. It was actually kind of embarassing. It was NOT my idea to keep track of these things. One kid never had one. I wonder about him.

Confession 125

I often replace the salt with sugar in restaurants' shakers. I just dump the salt on the ground under the table. Once I ended up sugaring my scrambled eggs when I sat at a table I'd forgotten I'd sabotauged.

Confession 124

I also once peed in a Powerade bottle in Mummy's fridge during a party he was having, while Betrayed stood guard. Can't really remember why I did that one, but I think there was a good reason. Like I was bored or something.

Confession 123, ABC, Do-Re-Mi, Baby you and me girl!

My friend Mummy enlisted the help of me and my friend Betrayed in making a documentary about toilet-papering houses for his film class. He wanted us to TP his house while he filmed, and then we would all clean it up and go do something else. Well, we did the first part, and then ran away. We also flipped off the camera every time he was shooting so the footage would be useless. And also, after we ran away, we had to walk five miles to get home, because that guy was our ride, and because we got lost.

Confession 122

I was at a lame loud party, so I called the cops on it (pretending to be a disgruntled neighbor) and we all had to go to Denny's.

Confession 121

Remember that brother we hung up in the tree at the cabin? Well, the next year we stuck the obsidian rock he had found into the fire. Then we fished it out with a stick and told him to come get it. It actually seared to his skin. He was screaming so wildly. Mom was PISSED.

Confession 120

I really wanted to go to Divine Comedy. But I had to work. I knew this a week ahead of time. I also knew nobody would work for me that night because it was going to be very busy. So I didn't even request it off. Instead, right before I went to work, I downed about a pound of gummi worms. Then I went to work in the kitchen. I never even said I was sick, because that would have been lying. Instead, I kept coughing into a paper towel and sniffling and washing my hands lots. When people asked me how I was doing, I'd just moan, "I'll be fine." After a while, I ran to the trash cans in the back and threw up all those gummi worms. One of the dishwashers saw me do it. I just went back to work. My manager, Nick, came up to me about twenty minutes later and asked if I had thrown up.

"Yeah, but I'm ok now. I don't think it'll happen again."

"Well, I think you should go home."

"But Nick, we're really busy, and there's nobody else to cover this shift!"

"Well, that's our problem. You go on home."

Divine Comedy was great that night.

Confession 119

I just woke up. Man, my sleep schedule is SO whack right now.

Confession 118

I went fishing with my friend Tex and three girls we called the Marsh Musicians because they claimed to be able to lure fish to us by singing in three-part harmony. Two of the girls and I slipped and fell in the mud and were VERY dirty. Tex wouldn't let us back into his car with our muddy clothes, so we ended up all in the car in our underwear with a towel up between us. My brothers were pretty confused when I ran into the house that morning in just my Scooby-Doo boxers and some mud.

Confession 117

Ok, I'm going to try to be more consistent with these now. Sorry about the lull. And efy was awesome, thanks!

Today's confession:

My friends and I invented a game when we were in high school. It's called the shopping cart game. The point is to try to get the largest or most expensive item you can into a stranger's shopping cart and then see if you can get them to purchase it. You can also get points for taking something OUT of a shopping cart and then getting the person to leave without it.

Points I've scored:

Got a lady with children to buy a large watermelon because she was too exasperated to do anything about it. Got diapers out of a cart. Got a lady to buy a bag of circus peanuts. Started a fight between an elderly couple who blamed each other for the spaghetti in their cart. Got a man to buy a box of tampons because he just wasn't paying attention.

I'm really good at this game, and it's scarier than you'd think.

Confession 116!

I'm back. While I was staying at my dad's apartment in California, I was drinking a lot of bottled water. The bathroom at his house is through the bedroom. It seemed really awkward for me to have to go through there to pee, (especially with his mistress chilling in there) so I would just hold it. One night, in desperation, I peed into an empty water-bottle and chucked it over the fence into the neighbor's yard. When you gotta go, you gotta go. I think I am a bit insane.

Confession 115

My senior year of high school, my friends and I decided to pull a really great prank on the school. We made dry ice bombs in 2-liter bottles with a serum we'd spent months perfecting. The stuff inside would evaporate as the bombs went off, leaving no evidence. On the last day of finals, my friend Tex put the bottles in various trash cans around campus. He had Band-aids on all of his fingertips to prevent prints. He was even talking to the principal when he dropped one in. We'd measured the amounts in the bottles so they'd go off at one-hour intervals. That day, a large explosion was heard across campus during each period. The bottoms blew out of some of the trashcans, leading authorities to believe that pipe bombs had been exploded underground, since they couldn't find any evidence of burns, and all that was in the trash cans was trash. The day of graduation, the whole quad was cordoned off and bulldozers were digging up the lawn to try to figure out what had happened. Estimated cost to the school district was in the thousands. Whoops.

p.s. I'm going away for the summer. I'm an efy counselor, if you can believe it. Anyway, I'll be back in August, but for now, I've gone ahead and posted a bunch of extra confessions for y'all. Enjoi!

Confession 114

I was homeless between sessions of efy last year, so I did what anybody would do: I slept in the park. And when it started to rain, I moved into the bus stop.

Confession 113

I'd always wanted to be making a funny face in a legal i.d. picture. The problem is, they don't let you. So I hatched an idea. What if they thought that was my normal face? Then they'd be too embarassed to say anything about it. So I went home to california to get an i.d., and I realized this was my chance. I messed up my hair that day and contorted my face and started talking to the guy behind the counter. Here I was at the age of 23, filing for my i.d., and not my license. He obviously thought I was "special needs." I gave him my Utah address, and I didn't know my zip code, so I put in all zeroes. I'm fairly confident this would never have worked if he hadn't figured me for a retard. As it was, he seemed to just be avoiding conflict. I got the picture taken all right, but the problem is, any time I have to use that i.d. and I want people to take it seriously, I find I have to be making that face (see Confession 112).

Confession 112

The lady who administered my driving test actually screamed during the test. I guess I took a left turn too quickly. I screamed, too, actually. She set down the clipboard until the car was stopped, and then said "Okay, I'm gonna pass you, but you really need to be careful about turning." She had been talking me through the whole process. "Okay, now up ahead is a stop sign. What do you do when you come to a stop sign?" or, "Let's go ahead and turn on the left blinker right about now." After the test, she went inside and told my mother, "Okay, I've passed him, but he still shouldn't be driving on his own for a while until he learns how to turn and brake better." Mom just nodded. See, I had kinda led the lady to believe that I was mentally handicapped. My California i.d. (see confession 113) and the fact that I was 23 and drove like a retard definitely helped. Thank goodness, too, or I never would have passed.

Confession 111

I crawled in the doggy door of a friend's house around Halloween. They had all these paper bats hanging from the ceiling. I toilet papered the whole front room with their own Costco case of toilet paper, connecting all those bats until you couldn't walk through there anymore.

Confession 110

My friends and I got a big, blue van with no windows. When we were bored, we would drive around town yelling, "Heeeey, get in the molester van!" Those who got in could be our friends after that. At least for the rest of the day.

Confession 109

I hitchhiked 50 miles to get to my first mission reunion.

Confession 108

I look Arabian, so sometimes I like to pretend to be so and walk up to strangers in large cities and ask, "You could be telling me which way is Statue of Liberty?" Sometimes people actually just point in some direction.

Confession 107

I went to Chevy's with only a towel, a t-shirt, and a left shoe on.

Confession 106

I vomited on the front steps of the Hyatt in San Francisco.

Confession 105

"No, I don't want any cake," said the boy in line in front of me at a ward function.

"Oh, I'll have his!" I said eagerly.

"Um, that's a girl," said the girl I had thought was the girlfriend of the girl I had thought was a boy.

"Oh... I know," I responded dumbly. I grabbed that cake and got outta there!

Confession 104

I was in a revolving door on a date with a girl named Jenn. By accident, I allowed the door to strike my heel, which stopped the rotation and made Jenn hit her head, which knocked her out, which meant I had to carry her the rest of the way out of the door.

Confession 103

I got locked out of my house one Sunday. A.A. Melyngoch and the other girls who dropped me off were watching to make sure I got in okay, so to kinda show off, I opened a window and jumped through. Unfortunately, the window fell back closed again as I jumped, and I ended up going right through the glass.

Confession 102

I don't know how to drive, though I did somehow get a BYU van permit.

Confession 101

I got a misdemeanor charge Sunday night for giving a false i.d. to a cop after he caught us dressing up all the statues and fire hydrants on campus. Oh, well, it was worth it just to see old Karl Maeser in my efy counselor shirt and Brigham Young dressed up like a Hot Dog on a Stick employee.

Confession 100

I stayed the night at my friend Josh's house (I was 21 at the time). In the morning I helped his mom unload the groceries. Then I went to use the bathroom. After I did my business, I realized something horrible. I had just unloaded a whole case of toilet paper onto the kitchen table. And there was none in the bathroom. Josh's sister, Keri, had friends over in the front room watching a video. I looked frantically under the sink. There were some cotton balls, but that didn't work. I tore up the little brown cardboard tube from the center of the expended roll, but those things don't have much clinging action, and I found myself needing more wipage after the roll was used up. I was desperate now. I looked under the sink again, and pulled out something I'd never really seen before: a Maxipad. It was all glossy and plastic, so I ripped it open, figuring that would also double the surface area. I hadn't noticed that they were scented pads, so when I opened it, there was a big explosion of powdered perfumes that got all over my shirt. I realized that using the pad would only make a bigger mess, so I threw that into the garbage can. I was desperate. Finally, I noticed a few remaining items under the sink and hatched a plan. I grabbed a washcloth and used that for the dirty deed. Then I stopped up the bathtub, ran some hot water, added half a cup of bleach, and swished the cloth around in it for a little bit using the plunger. Then I just dropped the cloth into the laundry hamper, drained the tub, flushed, washed my hands very well, and left as though nothing had happened at all.

Confession 99

My brothers and I got the chance to meet my estranged grandfather when I was 17. I went to the amusement park that day instead. Grandpa died shortly thereafter. I felt bad about that for almost two whole minutes.

Confession 98

I went into Beto's (one of those really trashy yellow-menu-sign greasy-floored 24-hour Mexican restaurants) the other night. Barefoot.

Confession 97

There was a Catholic church in my hometown that was shaped like the Epcot Center. My friends and I, as a special Christmas surprise, climbed up it at night and attached a large Christmas tree to the top.

Confession 96

At a Chevy's in San Francisco, they informed us that they would be adding gratuity automatically because there were eight of us. The service was horrendous. I wouldn't have left a dime. In order to reconcile that problem, I left a "negative tip"--a cup of my own urine.

Confession 95

Some Molly Mormons in the ward had a "conversation jar" that contained inane questions intended to spark conversation. "If you had a million dollars, how would you spend it?" "If you could visit any foreign country, which would it be?" They used this jar all the time. Heather Angela Hawks and I inserted six or seven of our own x-rated questions about sexual positions, incestual preferences, past drug use, and the likes. Gravy and I were actually over there one time when they discovered a few. Hehe.

Confession 94

I frequently pee brown. Like beef broth or chocolate milk.

Confession 93

On an impulse, I threw a large refrigerator box out the window of a van on the freeway (I do so love littering) and hit the channel 7 news van. The box hit the van's windshield and stuck for just long enough for us to lose them.

Confession 92

I was in charge of a Young Single Adult activity once in which we went spelunking. There were about fifteen men and women there. We had to wade through muddy water up to our necks to get into the cave. Afterward, the drivers made us remove our muddy clothing and don Hefty bags with head- and arm-holes poked through to be allowed in their cars. We all went inside In-N-Out Burger on the way home, wearing nothing but trash bags and a lot of very orange mud. They apparently did not have a "No shirt, no shoes, no service" policy. We left muddy barefoot prints all over the floor in there. And of course we saw tons of people we knew.

Confession 91

I cried during "A League of their Own."

Confession 90

I once took a girl to Alcoholics Anonymous for our first date. Yeah, we ended up dating for six months.

Confession 89

Yesterday we sneaked a weird creepy Tinky-Winky piñata into the restaurant where I work and hung in among the others.

Confession 88

I once went to the funeral of someone I didn't know just to get out of a Spanish test.

And sorry, people. I will be more fastidious from now on. And yes, they're real, and no, I've only just begun.

Confession 87

When my institute director left me in charge of an activity, I hit my head hard on a window for comic effect. I must have miscalculated, though, because I sent my head right through the glass. Comedy was effected.

Confession 86

On that same trip, I put all the heaviest equipment from my backpack into his backpack every morning before hiking. Then I would sneak it back into mine when we arrived at the new camp. Man, am I ever a clever one!

p.s. I should have internet access again by Tuesday or Wednesday.

Confession 85

I once filled my brother's sleeping bag with horse manure. He had it coming.

p.s. We don't have internet access for now. Sorry these will be so infrequent for the next little bit.

Confession 84

12th Grade:

Mrs. Chemistry-Teacher: Did anyone do anything interesting over Christmas break?

Confessor [raises hand]

Mrs. Chemistry-Teacher: Confessor?

Confessor: I stayed up for four days straight.

Mrs. Chemistry-Teacher: Well, that's just stupid.

Confessor: In fact, I'm still up.

Mrs. Chemistry-Teacher [withering look]: Anyone else?

Confession 83

I stole a mug from Winger's. The waitress kinda gave me permission.

Confession 82

Last summer I camped out by myself in a tent behind some apartments on the other side of town. I took a bus to get there. Cops woke me in the morning. They asked to see the contents of my backpack. All I had in there was board games. I don't understand why they were so mad. They kept calling me a peeping tom.

Confession 81

I went to my senior prom with two girls. They never found out about each other.

Confession 80

Confession 79 happened on my mission.

Confession 79

I made a bunch of bumper stickers with messages like "My wife is fat," "Honk if you're gay," "Cops suck!" and "My other car is a broomstick." I stuck them on random cars around town during the night.

Confession 78

I say excuse me if I burp, even when I'm alone.

Confession 77

I hacked into Wiggle's blog yesterday and wrote a really mean message about all of her friends, ostensibly from her.

Confession 76

I used to put subliminal messages in my math assignments that said things like "I deserve an A" and "Miss Swenerton looks like Weird Al," even at the sake of getting a problem wrong so I could fit the right letter in the right place.

Confession 75

When I was in high school, I had about sixty-five friends over to the house when my mom was out of town. When she got home, she found cigarette butts and a bra in her bedroom. I let my brother Ouiga take the punishment for it.

Confession 74

I ate part of an English muffin that I found on the ground in a flowerbed on Sunday morning. It was disgusting.

Confession 73

I slept through general conference and woke up just in time for President Hinckley's final talk. The problem is that I was actually in attendance, sleeping there in the conference center.

Confession 72

I like to pretend I am mentally handicapped at the mall and get very close to strangers just to see how they deal with it.

Confession 71

My friends are going to try to sneak me into priesthood session of general conference with the BYU men's chorus. I went to choir practice last night so I can effectively fake it.

Confession 70

When I was younger, my brother had a piñata at his birthday party at the cabin. When he annoyed my friends and me the next day, we gave him the ulitimate wedgie and hoisted him by it into the big oak tree with the rope that was still hanging there. The next day he began to vomit. He had to be rushed to the hospital, and there was told he had a double hernia. He lost half of his right testicle. They said that an hour longer and he would have died.

Confession 69

I went to California and didn't look up my best friend while I was there. My reasoning: I assumed he was dead, and was too afraid to confirm it. This is the one I feel the worst about out of all of them. This guy has always been the perfect friend to me, and I'm forever doing something terrible like this.

Confession 68

Recently, when I couldn't find a pen or sheet of paper, I quickly jotted down a phone number in toothpaste on my brother's shirt and hung it up in a closet. He was so angry, I got kicked out of his house.

Confession 67

I almost invariably throw away my tray at fast-food restaurants.

Confession 66

There was a nerd in my high school named Jeff Hoey. We toilet papered his house, and then I peed on his front door. His grandmother opened the door right as I was going, and I came this close to peeing on her, but I just ran away instead. Man, these are getting worse.

Confession 65

Gravy and I rearrange nativity scenes at others' houses. We call them "nativity obscenes."

Confession 64

Another time I was mad at my brother, I filled his sleeping bag with stinging nettle.

Confession 63

Per Toasteroven's request:

So the girl with the aneurism. I was at her house one time and started to feel a bit hypogycemic. Her sister said, "Here, have some of Maren's cookies." She handed me a bag of pink-n-whites (Mother's circus animal cookies). I started eating them, and before I knew it, the bag was empty. I set it down on the counter without saying anything. A moment later, /maren came buzzing in on her electric wheelchair. "Emily, I need my cookies, Emily."

Emily told me to hand her her cookies. I silently passed her the empty bag. She held it up to the light and looked inside. The last remaining sprinkles dropped out onto her flesh-colored eyepatch.

"You ate ALL of her cookies?"

What would you say in that situation?

Confession 62

Tonight my secretary cooked dinner for me and some friends from work and back home. As the meal was winding down, I asked if I could light some candles in the kitchen. They said sure. So the candles I lit were shaped like eggs and were sitting in this little basket with easter grass. The basket came from BYU floral or whatever. So I lit all the little eggs in the basket on the table. Soon the eggs were burned down and the paper grass, then the ribbon, and then the entire basket caught fire. At this point a deluge of molten wax spewed from the bottom of the basket and started hardening on the table. The whole basket was in flames, and there I was like Mr. Bean, frantically but silently running around the kitchen trying to find a way to put it out before the hosts looked up from entertaining the other guests in the living room. Eventually, I just ran through the living room, opened the window, ran back, stuck the flaming basket with a fork, and hucked it through the open window. Everyone just stared at me awkwardly.

Confession 61

Once while shaving, I knocked the sink off the wall and flooded the bathroom in my home.

Confession 60

I do a dead-on impression of the girl with an annurism from back home. I used to call people and pretend to be her and ask for cookies.

Confession 59

Once at my friend Josh Adams' house, I had to use a washcloth. They were out of toilet paper.

Confession 58

A high school friend and I used to go every Valentine's Day to the cemetary, gather up all the fresh flowers, and sell them at school.

Confession 57

Last Christmastime, Gravy and I liked to put the neighborhood's lawn reindeer in dirty positions.

Confession 56

I jumped off a cliff and fractured my spine when I was 17.

Confession 55

I was out until 5:30 with friends last night. And it was a school night.

Confession 54

I once used pages from the Bible as toilet paper.

Confession 53

I am afraid of midgets.

Confession 52

My ex-girlfriend and I invented a TV show. We tape ourselves breaking into people's houses and then redecorating for them. Some people need that. We call it "Invading Spaces." We did it to one guy's house while his parents were away. They grounded him. And this kid was in college.

Confession 51

I once peed in my other brother's cologne bottle when I was mad at him.

Confession 50

I fed catfood to my blindfolded little brother this weekend. You'd think he'd learn; this wasn't the first time.

Confession 49

Tonight I dragged my friends through the Castro and offended their sensibilities.

Confession 48

My irreverence once made the elderly ward organist swear she'd never come back to church until my friends and I were gone.

Confession 47

Once after September 11th, some people in the next town over put "USA" in giant letters on the side of a hill. My friend and I sneaked up in the middle of the night and changed it with spraypaint and wood so it said "Afghanistan."

Confession 46

I have inherited my father's tendency to run from problems rather than face them.

Confession 45

I lied about my name, address, and phone number when the cop caught us and made us promise to clean up the toilet paper from the whole ward. Then I went home and went to bed.

Confession 44

I once toilet papered every house and apartment in my whole ward in one night.

Confession 43

There's a church back home that I vandalize every time I go. It's just so much fun to rearrange the letters on the sign. I mean, when it says "measure yourself by what's inside," don't you automatically want to pull letters from the back and add "your pants?"

Confession 42

I have the rare skin disease called dermographia.

Confession 41

I once almost died doing a chinese firedrill on the freeway.

Confession 40

I've been kicked out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much.

Confession 39

I know a LOT of dead baby jokes. And I think they're hilarious.

Confession 38

In boy scouts, I once caught a seagull with a piece of bread on a fishhook. You should have seen him flying around and around in a circle at the end of the line as we gradually gave him more slack.

Confession 37

I got an 8.3 on HotOrNot.

Confession 36

I once sabotaged a video game machine by putting trash into it. In the end it broke completely. I really did have good intentions, though.

Confession 35

I think I buy more clothes more often than I do laundry.

Confession 34

I once toilet-papered a Chuck E. Cheese's. The police caught us on the security camera and made us go back and clean it all up.

Confession 33 1/3

I had a third set of teeth.

Confessions 31 and 32

Well, I missed yesterday, so two in one today:

I once worked at Hot Dog on a Stick.

And I got fired.

Confession 30

I pooped my pants about a year ago on my way home from work.

Confession 29?

You asked for it, you got it. I aim to please. Just be aware that this totally gets my goat to be reminded of the glory days.

I have a full floral tea set with the most adorable little gravy boat and candy dish and everything.

The Last Confession

I had so many more planned, too.

I got deleted from the Board today. It was my fault.

Confession 27

I was quarantined for three months during the tenth grade.

Confession 26

I got most of my clothes out of that dumpster at Raintree Apartments that's for donations to D.I.

Confession 25

I got kicked out of Walmart last night by a manager so I wouldn't "make a mess."

Confession 24

There's inbreeding on my dad's side of the family.

Confession 23

I have urinated out of the back of a moving vehicle, unbeknownst to the driver.

Confession 22

Okay, I guess a better confession is that this is the first time in several years that I've intentionally missed FHE. Man, I didn't realize how lame I am.

Confession 21

I skipped FHE tonight because I don't like it this semester.

Confession 20

I once accidentally left a cup of my urine on the bookshelf at a friend's house for over a month.

Confession 19

I've gotten the bread for the sacrament from the dumpster behind the Provo Bakery. Several times.

Confession 18

I don't think babies are particularly cute.

Confession 17

In September, my friend Wicket and I climbed on top of Little Caesar's on 9th and unscrewed their cable connection as a practical joke on them.

Confession 16

I posted those comments as the Drama Queen on my own blog just to throw people off.

Confession 15

Doctors suspect I have porphyria, the vampire disease.

Confession 14

My friend Leslie and I ate a salad that I found in a bus stop in downtown San Fransisco at midnight. It was really good, actually. We just hope it didn't have AIDS in it.

Confession 13

Last summer I toilet papered an old handicapped woman's house, including her wheelchair ramp and her handicapped parking sign. We used 150 rolls!

Confession 12

I don't like to read my scriptures.

Confession 11

I really am the Drama Queen, as well as the Confessor.

Confession 10

Right after my parents' divorce, we had to give up our dog. Ironically, the only person who would take him was the lady who had just taken our dad: his mistress, Darla. My brothers and I helped my mom perform a psuedosatanic ritual in which we cursed the dog that he would bite her children, poop on the furniture, and rip up the carpet. He came through for us, and they poisoned the dog soon thereafter. We miss you, Moofus!

Confession 9

My mother's mother's father's father founded the Denver branch of the KKK. And I'm descended from Nazis, as well.

Confession 8

I have shaved my chest. More than once.

Confession 7

I used to put peanut butter on a nine-vold battery and let my dog lick it off. You could tell when he got to the nodes because he'd go nuts. He was never the same after that, but man, did we ever laugh.

Confession 6

I own cds of the Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees. And I like them.

Confession 5

I once made a "Tickle me Hitler" doll. He still said "Elmo," but you could tell what it was.

Confession 4

I clip my fingernails compulsively, sometimes to the point where they start to bleed.

Confession 3

I never eat the last bite or drink the last swig of anything. I throw it away.

Confession 2

The sight of me naked once made a grown woman cry.

Confession 1

I'm totally afraid of spiders. Sometimes I have to get a girl to kill them for me, 'cause i'm just not going there.