Confession 147

Once there was a snowman.... Gravy and I discovered it in front of an apartment complex near our home one night at about 1:00. We couldn't resist pulling the old "move the snowman's face to his nether regions" gag. Just as we had completed and begun admiring it, several girls came out onto the terrace on the third floor.

"Hey! What are you doing!?" they shouted.

Gravy reports that he turned to see what witty thing I would say, but when he swung around, I was just a set of tracks in the freshly fallen snow. Tracks that led to my neighbors house, 'cause I sneaked through there and crossed back to our house through the back yard.

Confession 146

My bad. I somehow accidentally invited a horrible freak to a party. He showed up an hour and a half early, because he "needed friends," then dominated all conversation and made everyone feel uncomfortable. I went to the kitchen to get drinks for people, but when I handed them out, I also slipped them a piece of paper with instructions to leave the party and then come back ten minutes later. When everyone started filing out moments later, ostensibly to go to bed at 10:00 p.m., our new friend lingered for a bit and then said he should be going. After he left, the cool people came back in, and we continued the party as planned.

Confession 145

I went streaking through the Kampground Of America Last Week.

Confession 144

When I was in high school, and beyond, I drew a comic strip entitled "The Adventures of Super Twinkie and the Masked Ding Dong." All the characters were some sort of food. Like when they had a Star Wars adventure, it was Fruit Piewalker, Bun Solo, Princess Mayo, Chewbroccoli, Darth Tater, etc.

Sample dialogue:

Bun Solo: I'm here to rescue you!
Pricess Mayo: Ack! Get out!
Bun Solo: Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't realize you were DRESSING! hehehe!
Princess Mayo: See, this is why they say the bun is the lowest form of humor.

So one day, I was in church.

The speaker was talking about WWII, and the Nazis. So in my head, I started picturing the Nazis as Knotzis, little pretzel men with helmets. Then they talked about the Jews, and I pictured little juice cartons with yarmulkes. This was going to make an excellent comic strip, I thought.

Here's why this is a confession: I was never able to explain to anyone why I laughed so long and loudly that I had to excuse myself from church when, shortly after the above events, the speaker made first mention of "concentration" camps.

Yeah, I know. I'm deranged.

Confession 143

Exactly a hundred posts ago, I shared the fact that there is a church whose sign I have vandalized on more than one occasion, and gave an example. I figured this would be a good time to share another clever little bit of malfeasance we performed on them.

The sign had a clever, if not smarmy slogan when I went by one day:

"FEELING FAR FROM GOD? WHO MOVED?"

It seriously took a lot of effort, because the sign was under a glass case, but eventually we managed to take letters from the back and place them on the front, so that it now read:

"FEELING FAR FROM GOD? WHO MOVED ALLAH?"

My guess is that the Baptist church upon which we inflicted this mischief didn't like it very much; the third time we came by they had put a padlock on the sign.

Confession 142

We were playing dodge ball in the church, and the other team employed a strategy in which they stopped throwing the balls back for a little bit so they could store them up and hit us with a whole barrage all at once. When they finally had them all on their side, we all ran toward the back wall to cower.

One girl from the opposing team, a little confused about her team's tactics and our sudden switch to defensive maneuvering, yelled out sassily,

"Hey Why are you guys all hiding against the back wall?"

To help her understand, I simply called back,

"Because we don't have any BALLS!"

The most embarrassing part about that was that most people didn't even realize the intended, innocent way that that could be taken.

Confession 141

I have run over my roommate Evan at least 6 times in my car, going at least 20 miles per hour. We're talking he flipped over the roof of the car and landed on the asphalt behind me.

Confession 140

I was 7, and Mom figured it was probably okay to start leaving me at home for brief periods while she ran errands. I wasn't to answer the door, and if someone called on the phone, I was to say that she was in the shower, so no one would realize I was there by myself.

One of the first times Mom was gone, the phone rang almost immediately after she left. We would later find out that it was Mom's Relief Society president.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is your mom there?"

"She's in the shower."

"Oh, that's all right. I'll call back later."

About half an hour later, the lady indeed called back.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is your mom there?"

"She's in the shower."

"Oh, still? Well, is your dad there?"

"He's in the shower too."

After that Mom made us say "She can't come to the phone right now."

Confession 139

She was in my singles ward at church, and she was a bigger girl, and she was bothering me. And we were at a ward potluck. So I told her that the brownies were fat free. She finished them off.

Confession 138

The first time I was stopped by the police while toilet papering a house (ok, actually it was 40+ houses, which is hardly my record for one night) they told us we had to clean it all up. They asked each of us for his or her name and address, and I provided the name and address of a kid in my ward. They told us if we didn't have it cleaned up by morning, they would come write us tickets. At this point we had toilet papered every house in the ward but one. We promised we would. So as soon as the cops left, we toilet papered the other house and went to bed. I never could think of a way to ask Roy if he'd been contacted by the police without incriminating myself.

Confession 137

You thought I was done with these, didn't you? Well, the thing is, I'd forgotten my password. But I remembered it again after trying about twelve wrong ones just now, and switched the whole blog over to this account. So I hope you're as excited for this to start up again as I am. The confession:

BYU had an Easter Egg Hunt in which they had prizes hidden in Easter eggs all over campus. The prizes ranged in value from weak-sauce little candies to shiny new iPods. Students were out there looking for prizes, and I was out there, among them. But was I trying to find an iPod? No, I was not.

I was there with my friends, and dozens of plastic eggs, hiding illicit eggs with counterfeit prizes inside. Some were full of flour, others had authentic-looking tickets that said "iPod" on them, with instructions for the finders to present then at the BYU Bookstore.

As I was riding someone's unlocked-up bicycle around campus about an hour after having lodged an iPod egg up the rear of the Indian Statue's loincloth, a timorous boy stopped me to tell me about his good fortune.

"Keep your eyes open," he asserted awkwardly.

I screeched to a brake. "What?"

"Keep your eyes open. I was walking back from the library just now, and I passed the Indian, and I was thinking about the Easter Egg hunt, and so I reached up the back of his skirt, and I--"

"Wow, that's kinda perverted!"

"No! I was just trying to find an egg, and there was one in there, and I opened it up, and it had a ticket inside for a free iPod!"

"Seriously? Lemme see."

He proffered his lucky egg, and I took it in hand to inspect it. Sure enough, there was the iPod offer, in my own handwriting. "Yoink!" I yelled, as I pedaled away quickly with it still in my hand. "Bwahahaha!"

I did bring it back, though, and told him I'd just been kidding. He laughed politely, then scampered off to go "wake up [his] roommates." Poor little sap.

You can read it about the Easter Egg Hunt in this article from the Daily Universe. Pay special attention to paragraph eight.