Confession 100

I stayed the night at my friend Josh's house (I was 21 at the time). In the morning I helped his mom unload the groceries. Then I went to use the bathroom. After I did my business, I realized something horrible. I had just unloaded a whole case of toilet paper onto the kitchen table. And there was none in the bathroom. Josh's sister, Keri, had friends over in the front room watching a video. I looked frantically under the sink. There were some cotton balls, but that didn't work. I tore up the little brown cardboard tube from the center of the expended roll, but those things don't have much clinging action, and I found myself needing more wipage after the roll was used up. I was desperate now. I looked under the sink again, and pulled out something I'd never really seen before: a Maxipad. It was all glossy and plastic, so I ripped it open, figuring that would also double the surface area. I hadn't noticed that they were scented pads, so when I opened it, there was a big explosion of powdered perfumes that got all over my shirt. I realized that using the pad would only make a bigger mess, so I threw that into the garbage can. I was desperate. Finally, I noticed a few remaining items under the sink and hatched a plan. I grabbed a washcloth and used that for the dirty deed. Then I stopped up the bathtub, ran some hot water, added half a cup of bleach, and swished the cloth around in it for a little bit using the plunger. Then I just dropped the cloth into the laundry hamper, drained the tub, flushed, washed my hands very well, and left as though nothing had happened at all.

Confession 99

My brothers and I got the chance to meet my estranged grandfather when I was 17. I went to the amusement park that day instead. Grandpa died shortly thereafter. I felt bad about that for almost two whole minutes.

Confession 98

I went into Beto's (one of those really trashy yellow-menu-sign greasy-floored 24-hour Mexican restaurants) the other night. Barefoot.

Confession 97

There was a Catholic church in my hometown that was shaped like the Epcot Center. My friends and I, as a special Christmas surprise, climbed up it at night and attached a large Christmas tree to the top.

Confession 96

At a Chevy's in San Francisco, they informed us that they would be adding gratuity automatically because there were eight of us. The service was horrendous. I wouldn't have left a dime. In order to reconcile that problem, I left a "negative tip"--a cup of my own urine.

Confession 95

Some Molly Mormons in the ward had a "conversation jar" that contained inane questions intended to spark conversation. "If you had a million dollars, how would you spend it?" "If you could visit any foreign country, which would it be?" They used this jar all the time. Heather Angela Hawks and I inserted six or seven of our own x-rated questions about sexual positions, incestual preferences, past drug use, and the likes. Gravy and I were actually over there one time when they discovered a few. Hehe.

Confession 94

I frequently pee brown. Like beef broth or chocolate milk.

Confession 93

On an impulse, I threw a large refrigerator box out the window of a van on the freeway (I do so love littering) and hit the channel 7 news van. The box hit the van's windshield and stuck for just long enough for us to lose them.

Confession 92

I was in charge of a Young Single Adult activity once in which we went spelunking. There were about fifteen men and women there. We had to wade through muddy water up to our necks to get into the cave. Afterward, the drivers made us remove our muddy clothing and don Hefty bags with head- and arm-holes poked through to be allowed in their cars. We all went inside In-N-Out Burger on the way home, wearing nothing but trash bags and a lot of very orange mud. They apparently did not have a "No shirt, no shoes, no service" policy. We left muddy barefoot prints all over the floor in there. And of course we saw tons of people we knew.

Confession 91

I cried during "A League of their Own."

Confession 90

I once took a girl to Alcoholics Anonymous for our first date. Yeah, we ended up dating for six months.

Confession 89

Yesterday we sneaked a weird creepy Tinky-Winky piñata into the restaurant where I work and hung in among the others.

Confession 88

I once went to the funeral of someone I didn't know just to get out of a Spanish test.

And sorry, people. I will be more fastidious from now on. And yes, they're real, and no, I've only just begun.

Confession 87

When my institute director left me in charge of an activity, I hit my head hard on a window for comic effect. I must have miscalculated, though, because I sent my head right through the glass. Comedy was effected.

Confession 86

On that same trip, I put all the heaviest equipment from my backpack into his backpack every morning before hiking. Then I would sneak it back into mine when we arrived at the new camp. Man, am I ever a clever one!

p.s. I should have internet access again by Tuesday or Wednesday.