Confession 70

When I was younger, my brother had a piñata at his birthday party at the cabin. When he annoyed my friends and me the next day, we gave him the ulitimate wedgie and hoisted him by it into the big oak tree with the rope that was still hanging there. The next day he began to vomit. He had to be rushed to the hospital, and there was told he had a double hernia. He lost half of his right testicle. They said that an hour longer and he would have died.

Confession 69

I went to California and didn't look up my best friend while I was there. My reasoning: I assumed he was dead, and was too afraid to confirm it. This is the one I feel the worst about out of all of them. This guy has always been the perfect friend to me, and I'm forever doing something terrible like this.

Confession 68

Recently, when I couldn't find a pen or sheet of paper, I quickly jotted down a phone number in toothpaste on my brother's shirt and hung it up in a closet. He was so angry, I got kicked out of his house.

Confession 67

I almost invariably throw away my tray at fast-food restaurants.

Confession 66

There was a nerd in my high school named Jeff Hoey. We toilet papered his house, and then I peed on his front door. His grandmother opened the door right as I was going, and I came this close to peeing on her, but I just ran away instead. Man, these are getting worse.

Confession 65

Gravy and I rearrange nativity scenes at others' houses. We call them "nativity obscenes."

Confession 64

Another time I was mad at my brother, I filled his sleeping bag with stinging nettle.

Confession 63

Per Toasteroven's request:

So the girl with the aneurism. I was at her house one time and started to feel a bit hypogycemic. Her sister said, "Here, have some of Maren's cookies." She handed me a bag of pink-n-whites (Mother's circus animal cookies). I started eating them, and before I knew it, the bag was empty. I set it down on the counter without saying anything. A moment later, /maren came buzzing in on her electric wheelchair. "Emily, I need my cookies, Emily."

Emily told me to hand her her cookies. I silently passed her the empty bag. She held it up to the light and looked inside. The last remaining sprinkles dropped out onto her flesh-colored eyepatch.

"You ate ALL of her cookies?"

What would you say in that situation?

Confession 62

Tonight my secretary cooked dinner for me and some friends from work and back home. As the meal was winding down, I asked if I could light some candles in the kitchen. They said sure. So the candles I lit were shaped like eggs and were sitting in this little basket with easter grass. The basket came from BYU floral or whatever. So I lit all the little eggs in the basket on the table. Soon the eggs were burned down and the paper grass, then the ribbon, and then the entire basket caught fire. At this point a deluge of molten wax spewed from the bottom of the basket and started hardening on the table. The whole basket was in flames, and there I was like Mr. Bean, frantically but silently running around the kitchen trying to find a way to put it out before the hosts looked up from entertaining the other guests in the living room. Eventually, I just ran through the living room, opened the window, ran back, stuck the flaming basket with a fork, and hucked it through the open window. Everyone just stared at me awkwardly.

Confession 61

Once while shaving, I knocked the sink off the wall and flooded the bathroom in my home.

Confession 60

I do a dead-on impression of the girl with an annurism from back home. I used to call people and pretend to be her and ask for cookies.

Confession 59

Once at my friend Josh Adams' house, I had to use a washcloth. They were out of toilet paper.

Confession 58

A high school friend and I used to go every Valentine's Day to the cemetary, gather up all the fresh flowers, and sell them at school.

Confession 57

Last Christmastime, Gravy and I liked to put the neighborhood's lawn reindeer in dirty positions.

Confession 56

I jumped off a cliff and fractured my spine when I was 17.

Confession 55

I was out until 5:30 with friends last night. And it was a school night.

Confession 54

I once used pages from the Bible as toilet paper.

Confession 53

I am afraid of midgets.

Confession 52

My ex-girlfriend and I invented a TV show. We tape ourselves breaking into people's houses and then redecorating for them. Some people need that. We call it "Invading Spaces." We did it to one guy's house while his parents were away. They grounded him. And this kid was in college.

Confession 51

I once peed in my other brother's cologne bottle when I was mad at him.

Confession 50

I fed catfood to my blindfolded little brother this weekend. You'd think he'd learn; this wasn't the first time.

Confession 49

Tonight I dragged my friends through the Castro and offended their sensibilities.

Confession 48

My irreverence once made the elderly ward organist swear she'd never come back to church until my friends and I were gone.

Confession 47

Once after September 11th, some people in the next town over put "USA" in giant letters on the side of a hill. My friend and I sneaked up in the middle of the night and changed it with spraypaint and wood so it said "Afghanistan."

Confession 46

I have inherited my father's tendency to run from problems rather than face them.

Confession 45

I lied about my name, address, and phone number when the cop caught us and made us promise to clean up the toilet paper from the whole ward. Then I went home and went to bed.